


Whither Thou Goest

by selfinduced



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Jealous Jace Wayland, M/M, Parabatai, Pining, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 11:01:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11508042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selfinduced/pseuds/selfinduced
Summary: "Dude, chill." Jace rubs his temples. "Ok." nods to himself, "Ok. Ok, I can't believe I'm saying this. But, ok.""Could you stop saying okay for a second to actually be useful here."or, alternatively:Alec's lips are unnecessarily noticeable. Jace has always noticed them. Had thought about how soft they would be.





	Whither Thou Goest

**Author's Note:**

> Set between end of 2x04, during 2x05, and beginning of 2x06. Jace is back from City of Bones, Alec is punishing himself for Jocelyn's death and feels guilty enough to help Clary ask a warlock to revive her mom, and Jace has seen Clary create the sunlight rune.

"Okay, what are you going to say to him? Try it on me." Jace doesn't know how he's gotten himself into this conversation. It's probably his fault for still being awake, but sleep doesn't come easy after nights spent in the City of Bones, or being tortured. He turns from the punching stand to look at Alec, who is sitting on his bed.

Alec glares at him and looks away. But then he sighs and turns back. "Would you like to go out with me." he sounds so earnest and matter of fact. His wonderfully straightforward Alec.

"That'll work. I rely on charm but you--you don't need all that." Jace can't help smiling.

"Why?" and then, "I don't know how to be charming."

"He'll be charmed by your lack of charm." Jace goes quiet, chest aching in a way he knows Alec can feel through their bond but will chalk up to pride and affection.

"How--what do I say about the whole--"

"Kissing?" Jace smirks.

Alex stares intensely at the ground, the tips of his ears burning.

"You did great at the wedding. Just do more of that." Jace swallows around the roughness in his throat.

"Yeah but how do I start."

"Whenever you want. Go slowly, give him time to move away."

 

-

 

Jace is barely out of the shower when Alec strides back in without knocking. His hair is sticking up in all directions, hands moving in aborted gestures as he paces. Jace shakes his head and smiles fondly, used to Alec's preverbal states when he's worked up. He closes the door and pulls on sleep pants, letting Alec find his words. 

"How do I--move my mouth, exactly?"

Jace stops drying his hair to stare at him, wondering if this is really happening. "The...same way you did the first time?"

"Yes, but I was mostly just. Kissing his mouth over and over. There was no--moving. None of that--you know, stuff. I don't know how." Alec sits down on the bed, hands punctuating each word, "He's had centuries of practice! The whole thing with Camille! He's probably so good at it and I'm just." He looks up at Jace with the same look of consternation and pleading he had when he'd damaged Izzy's favorite throwing knife and made Jace spend the whole night helping him find a way to fix it.

"Dude, chill." Jace rubs his temples. "Ok." nods to himself, "Ok. Ok, I can't believe I'm saying this. But, ok."

"Could you stop saying okay for a second to actually be useful here."

Jace makes a determined face and comes to stand in front of him. "Right." He cups Alec's face and turns it up to face his own. Alec must be able to sense his intentions. Feel his trepidation. His eyes lift up to widen at him before looking back down. Lashes long and dark and soft--no other word for it but _beautiful_. Shadowing his cheekbones, that obstinate jawline under his thumb, that Jace finds that he's stroking, tracing up to rest on Alec's bottom lip until his mouth opens. "Right." he murmurs to himself again before leaning in.

Alec's lips are unnecessarily noticeable. Jace has always noticed them. Thought about how soft they would be. Now they're between his own and he has to bite, trying to stay gentle, trace his tongue on the inside seam, kiss the corner and rest his open mouth against Alec's, sharing his air, his breath.

Then Alec makes a sound, tilts Jace's head to the side with a hand in his hair and scratches his blunt fingernails on the back of Jace's neck and Jace is lost. Moving with no control over his own body, hands in Alec's hair, on his shoulders, tongue delving into his mouth, tasting, swallowing every hitch of breath, every gasp, angling Alec's mouth up so he can go deeper, like he wants to climb inside of him. He's climbed on the bed, knees on either side of Alec's thighs, and Alec's hands grip his hips, over the parabatai rune so their bond flares bright, pulls him down until Jace is straddling, bare chest rubbing on Alec's jacket, buttons cold on his skin. He pushes it aside until he can smoothe his hands up Alec's shirt where he's radiating heat, arching up into Jace's touch, arms coming up to hold him closer, one hand cupping the back of Jace's head as he kisses upwards. He bites Jace's lower lip and Jace moans, rocking forward into him, nails digging into his arms.

Alec has always been a perfectionist. Picking up techniques and practicing until they're perfect--and then adapting just enough to throw off his opponent and win. He bites into Jace's mouth, kissing deep and devouring, the raw hunger and need to _possess_ surging in through their bond. He moves away for a second to kiss down Jace's neck, more teeth and heat than Jace knew was possible, and Jace is pulling apart the collar of Alec's shirt so he can mark him back, kiss up along the rune on Alec's neck to tug an earlobe into his mouth. Alec shudders. Full body shudders, arms tightening around Jace and holding him down, his hips locked around Alec's, chest to chest.

Jace leans back to look at him, breathing hard, head swimming. Alec's mouth is shiny and wet and reddened, cheeks flushed, breathing just as hard as him. Looking as wrecked as Jace feels. There's no confusion. Only panic and desperation and overwhelming need.

His heart responds immediately, his love reaching back through their bond as he leans forward to cup Alec's face in his hands, kiss the side of his forehead, the bridge of his nose, stroking his hair, his face. Says the things he can't say in words: _protection_ and _sweetness_ and _belonging_. "It's _okay_ , Alec."

Alec's eyes are tightly closed. Jace can feel him struggling for control. Can feel the moment he manages to collect it enough to withdraw. Finds himself moved off and alone on the bed as Alec leaves as abruptly as he came in.

 

-

 

He's given Alec a day, but the pain and guilt coming from him is about far more than from what's between them. Jace follows his gut and finds Alec on the roof, knuckles bleeding from shooting arrow after arrow. He tries to maintain the careful distance he and Alec have been keeping between their bodies since that night, but then Alec tries to run off by jumping off the roof and Jace goes after him to pull him back. Finds himself clinging tightly and Alec is shaking and cold and clinging back.

"Where you go, I go." He whispers, kissing his bleeding knuckles and activating his healing rune. He doesn't let Alec step back when it's done, can feel the despair and self-loathing that would drive Alec to hurt himself even more if it weren't for his responsibilities. Jace runs his fingers through Alec's damp hair, soothing a hand over his back, filling Alec up with waves of love and reassurance he sends through their bond. "It was the demon, Alec, not you. I don't always tell you in words, but you spend your whole life putting everyone else first and doing the right thing. If you could have done something, you would have. And if you ever--I can't live without you."

"I wouldn't."

Jace brushes his fingers over Alec's mouth and shakes his head, "I know, but there's a part of you that wants to. I always feel you, remember? Even on water when you can't find my body--when I was on the ship--you felt me slipping. Reached for me the way I was reaching out for you. You got lost because I was so far gone. So close to giving up. You kept me alive."

"I risked our bond before," Alec says, "I was so angry--"

"You were scared." Jace strokes his hair off his forehead, holding his face between his hands, "You thought I abandoned you and left Izzy to be de-runed. "

Alec turns his face into Jace's palm, eyes closing.

Jace kisses his cheek, somehow allowed now in a way it hadn't been before, and hugs him close, "You know, the memory demon would've shown you, when it was my turn."

Alec lets himself be held, burying his face in Jace's neck, arms folded up between them. His body goes warm and pliant, soaking in the complete trust and devotion they're echoing back at each other. _You are never alone. I am always yours. I will always keep you safe._

"Probably a memory like this," Jace kisses his temple, feels Alec smile, finally feeling lighter, settling into his arms.

He can't help noticing the texture of Alec's jacket, thinking of the last time he was touching it, and Alec picks up on it before he can shut it down. Rubs his face against Jace's, brushing his nose into his cheek, breath on his ear making him shiver, voice breaking when he says " _Alec._ "

Alec opens his mouth, breath stuttering, hands digging into his sides, as if he can't move apart either.

Jace turns his head until he can brush their lips together, light, letting Alec be the one to deepen it before he kisses back, pushes him against the terrace and touches his face, achingly gentle, wrapping him up in the love he knows Alec can physically feel, letting it surround them. Even all the aspects of it they try to hide from each other, the parts where he can't stop following the lines of the rune on Alec's neck when they train, down to the hollow of his throat where sweat collects, wondering how it would taste, what sounds Alec would make if he kissed down farther.

Alec moans into his mouth and Jace realizes he's unbuttoned Alec's shirt to do just that--lowering down to taste and mark the skin below his rune, rub his cheek against the short curls of hair on his chest. "Jace," Alec swears, hand tightening in his hair, almost pushing his head down lower. Jace goes to his knees, pushes Alec's shirt up to press a trail of wet, open-mouthed kisses down to the edge of his waistband.

Their phones ring.

Alec pulls him back up to kiss his mouth, inviting his tongue in the way he's learned makes Jace go crazy, makes his hands tighten on the exposed curve of his hips.

"I know I'm not supposed to but I can't stop."

Alec breathes hard and looks back at him with dazed eyes. "Meeting."

 

-

 

"He asked me for help." Jace feints left and goes for a low sweep, but Izzy jumps above it, catching his thigh before she lands. He's missed training with her.

"Help with what, kissing?"

Jace concentrates on his turns.

"Oh my God, I was kidding! What did you do?"

"Iz."

"Oh my God, you kissed him?"

"Can you be any louder? I don't think they've heard you in Idris." Jace glares and attacks with a flurry of blows she has to work too hard to keep up with to say anything more embarrassing.

"So now you guys are...what?"

"I don't know."

"What do you want to be?"

"What I've always wanted. It wasn't possible before, but now that he's out in front of the Clave, the Angel, and Robert and Maryse..."

"Does he know that?" She's definitely favoring her left shoulder where Clary stabbed her.

"It should be pretty clear after we--" Jace stops, cheeks heated, and concentrates on his defense. Isabelle has always been better at offense, even without her whip.

"Oh, Jace." She laughs, "You can't just kiss him. You have to use words. Alec has no intuition, and he's never reasonable when it comes to you. You have to spell it out for him."

"Little less talk about my love life, and a little more focus on not getting your ass kicked." He aims a blow that she should've easily blocked if her shoulder didn't hurt. "That's it, I'm walking you to the infirmary. You need that wound looked at."

"When did you become a buzzkill?"

Jace ignores her, taking her by the elbow. "What if he says no? We're parabatai."

"First, no one knows why parabatai aren't supposed to be together. And second, if he says no, then he says no. And you learn to go from there. How can not knowing be better than that?"

"When did you grow up so much?" He smiles at her with genuine pride.

She punches his arm before going inside the infirmary.

 

-

 

There's nothing about the Soul Sword in any of the databases that indicates why Valentine would want it. Jace is half listening to Izzy as she pulls up old files from the Iron Sisters, and half staring at Alec's eyelashes, and the blush that spreads across his cheekbones when he realizes that Jace is watching.

When Jace leans over to get a better look over Iz's shoulder and ends up brushing his hand over Alec's thigh, Alec jumps, and recovers by clearing his throat.

Clary frowns, "You feeling okay?"

Jace tugs at his collar, "It's just the heat," and rubs his thumb over his mouth, eyes locked on the way Alec is licking his lips, a pang of heat going through him as he remembers how they taste.

Alec's chair almost falls back at how fast he gets up. Grabs Jace by the elbow, pulling him down the corridor into the nearest room--his office--and shoves him against the door to close it.

"We are at _war_." Alec whispers furiously, finger pushing against Jace's chest. And then his whole palm flattens, blunt fingertips landing on Jace's exposed collarbones.

Jace looks up at him with dark eyes and mouth open, painfully aware of the way his chest is rising and falling under Alec's hand. Those long, expressive, fingers. Always distracting him and making him think of things he shouldn't. He makes a strangled noise as Alec leaps on him, kissing him hard and exasperated, and all Jace can do is melt into it. "Yeah, that'll teach me," he husks, moving his head to the side so Alec can get at his neck.

"You like this," Alec's eyes go heated, mouth smug.

"Shut up." Jace pulls him back in.

"Okay," Alec smiles slightly, in that Alec way where he accepts a challenge, and picks Jace up so he has him up against the door with no way to support himself but by wrapping his legs around Alec's waist. Alec pushes his shirt up and off, pinning both hands above his head, making him moan and arch up. "Fuck, Jace." Alec stops moving and just stares at him.

"Say it again," Jace whispers.

"What, Jace?"

"No, say it like you said it last night."

"I don't know, what were you doing when I said it before?" Alec bites at his earlobe, the light touch contrasting with how he's grinding Jace into the wall with his hips.

"Kissing your chest."

"Hm."

"Unbuttoning your shirt so I could touch you more. Getting on my knees."

"Fuck. _Jace_."

"Yeah, like that." Jace bites his lower lip and tugs it into his mouth. "Like you want me."

"I always want you," Alec's face is so soft. 

Jace has to kiss him deep and hard, a hand on his parabatai rune so their emotions flood wide open into each other. "Will he kiss you like this?" the words come out before he can stop them.

"I don't know, I haven't gotten the chance to try." Alec moves in to kiss him again but Jace pulls away as if burned, needing to be anywhere else.

 

-

 

"This is ridiculous. We need to talk instead of--" He stops to stare at Alec taking off one shirt and try on another, buttoning it up, turning around to look guiltily at Jace. "Right. Your date." Jace swallows, turning to go right back out.

"Jace."

Jace stops, jaw tight and chin tilted up, "Alec, I'm not your boyfriend, I'm not your husband, you can do anything you want."

Alec looks angry for the first time, advancing on him, "I spent my entire adolescence hating myself. My whole life hiding from who I was. I'm--I finally chose myself. I'm trying to--he's beautiful. And kind. And he _wants_ me. So now. _Now_ you want to do this?"

Jace says nothing, blinking when he feels his eyes smarting and swallows it down.

"And most of all he's not my _parabatai_."

"Are you done?" Jace whispers.

"I did everything right. I followed the rules. I trained until I could be perfect. And then you came along. And everything, the world, all of it stopped. You never listen, you jump in without thinking, you drag me along with you, and you take half of my _soul_ and I--I never tell you no. I never refuse. I keep coming back for more." Alec laughs bitterly, " _You_ wanted to be parabatai."

"I thought it was the only way."

"I know. To love is to destroy. You thought you needed a rune to keep me."

" _You_ would have gone through with marrying Lydia if you hadn't realized your parents had been in the Circle. You would have kept hiding."

"We don't have a choice now."

"There has to be a way. I'll find it."

"No, there doesn't. There is no guarantee in life that you get what you want and get to be with the people you love."

"I don't need a guarantee. I'll _make_ a way. Clary can create new runes. There are possibilities in this world we've never considered. I'll do anything. Become a downworlder--"

"Are you listening to yourself?" Alec shoves him and Jace stumbles against the bed. "Clary can do what?"

He catches Alec's hands and doesn't let go. "She used a rune we can't find in the Gray Book, after she saw it in a vision. Alec, we don't even know what happens to the parabatai bond. Maybe it's happened already. If all it takes is being in love, then we've survived for years."

"How many years?" Alec's voice is hushed, he looks up and closes his eyes. "Don't answer that. Angel. I thought I finally learned to say no to you."

"But you don't want to," Jace cups his cheek, brushing their noses together. "You love me." Kisses the corner of his mouth, "You always have."

"That doesn't mean I don't hate you." He rests his forehead against Jace's. "I'm not promising anything." But his mouth is curving up in spite of his words, tone becoming lighter in the way he can never help around Jace. "We should at least research this new rune thing."

"Yeah." Jace takes in a breath he hadn't even realized he was holding. Flips Alec under him to kiss him into the mattress. "Research."

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> The "I'm not your boyfriend, I'm not your husband" line is from episode 3x08 of Farscape--the Green Eyed Monster.


End file.
